Seeking High IQ Individuals…Very High!
(But Not Too High)
We need super high-IQ small-government revolutionaries willing to work 80+ hours per week on unglamorous cost-cutting. — @DOGE on X
We’re Doge, the Department of Government Efficiency, which means “efficiency” is our last name, and only very, very high IQ bro’s need apply.
Yes, we have no time to properly express acronyms because we are busy looking for very, very high IQ individuals — just not the kind who could competently do a job in fewer than 80 hours per week. Because, you know, that’s just crazy talk.
We need very, very high, like, Silicon Valley high IQs because only a small-government revolutionary with a Silicon Valley high IQ will have the smarts to sit an Operation Warp Speed scientist down and ask hard questions like, Bro, why aren’t you working 80 hours per week!?
Are you that person? Because we need you laser-focused! Don’t be distracted by details like the costs in time, money, and efficiency we’ll incur by placing tens of thousands of highly qualified scientists, engineers, technicians, communicators, managers, and administrators on the unemployment rolls. Or the costs of forcing those left behind to work 80 hours per week. Or the costs to society of sending all those now unemployed highly qualified scientists, engineers, technicians, communicators, managers, and administrators out to compete for a shrinking pool of private sector jobs. Because you and I and the rest of the small-government revolutionaries know that 80-hour workweeks are the shining path to efficiency this country needs, and we’ve got the 10% startup success rate to prove it!
Like we said, it’s unglamorous work, and your Silicon Valley high IQ knows damn well what that means: it means boring and tedious, almost robotic in its revolutionary single-mindedness. You might have figured out that, if we had robots smart enough to do this unglamorous work, we wouldn’t need you. But alas, you haven’t built that smart robot for us yet, have you, despite the free food, the fussball table, the volleyball nets, and the very efficient 7x7 cubicle we provided? But we’re not blaming you! Chill out! (The people actually smart enough to build the robot will be working in the next room.)
So focus, because that’s the only way we’ll be able to cut $2 trillion from the budget. And you, with your Silicon Valley high IQ, know that when we say $2 trillion, we actually mean $1 trillion — or something in that neighborhood anyway. You have the Silicon Valley savvy to know that unrealistically high expectations for which we’ll never be held accountable are our motus operandi. And by remaining laser-focused, you free your mind from probing questions like How do we think we can accomplish something generations of budget hawks have been trying to accomplish for decades? Because deep, deep down, you know the answer already. Say it with me: 80-hour workweeks!
And this is where we adopt our pseudo-intellectual even-toned fast talk to get real with you for a moment: We all know the small-government revolution is simply a form of worship. You worship us for using free government technology and guaranteed revenue from the American taxpayer to amass billions on the backs of those less fortunate. (See how smart we are!) You also worship our bulbous, orange, leader for validating your toxic masculine rage and letting fly with those formerly verboten off-color jokes you love so much. (Finally, someone who speaks his mind!) And we want you to know, that worship will be validated. You will be seen. You will be valued. And yes, when that bulbous, orange leader turns on us for getting more attention than he does, you will be fired. But know this: When that day comes, when the monastic lifestyle you are about to take up comes crashing down on you in a cascade of billionaire-on-billionaire sniping and invective, yes, we will fire you, but we will do it with love. We’ll of course need to set some of you up to take the blame for our abject failures, but that, too, we will do with love. (No risk, no reward, am I right!?)
So dust off that Silicon Valley high IQ, the one that, ever since you got your BSCS from MIT, has been mindlessly chasing IPO windfalls to the tune of 80-hour workweeks, the one that’s given you bad skin, no lasting friendships, but a king’s ransom in free shipping from Amazon, the one that hasn’t had a date since that girl asked you to the Sadie Hawkins dance in the 9th grade — the same high IQ that led you to stand that girl up because, bro, the new World of Warcraft had just dropped!
Yeah, that’s the IQ we want. So dust that thing off and shoot me a DM.
